Is SpongeBob gay? OMG!!

I watch very little television, though when my favorite show is spotted, a hush settles upon the room as I enter a very special world, there to spend it with...SpongeBob SquarePants, the most fun and entertaining cartoon character who ever lived underwater in a pineapple.

Thus, I was awash with froth to learn that James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, wants a cartoon music video which features SpungeBob, to be barred in thousands of schools that it was to have been sent to in March. The makers -- the nonprofit We Are Family Foundation -- say the video is designed to encourage tolerance and diversity.

Dobson believes that SpongeBob is gay and that the tolerance implied is towards the gay community, something that strikes fear and loathing in the hearts of certain conservative Christian leaders who believe that they now drive the Administration. Sponges can't be gay or straight, especially cartoon sponges, though this is lost on those with a tight, narrow, constricted agenda. Most sponges are hermaphrodies, that is, they produce both male and female sex cells.

Makes for an interesting day shopping at the Mall.

Let's sponge up this mess before the Pentagon comes up with a plan to destroy all sponges on the Planet.

Elks Lodge

Just finished a very good Slider, AKA cheeseburger at the Elks Lodge. Soroptimists were just finishing up their weekly luncheon as I arrived, there to see my wife Annette for a few minutes before she went to show some property.

Glenda served me this fine lunch while reminding me that the Ashland Elks will be celebrating their 100th year anniversary during the 11th, 12th and 13th of March.

The Elks have been a central part of community for a very long time. Learn more about your town by visiting: http://www.ashlandelks.org/index.html.

Chamber This!

Awhile back the current council chamber was designed, funded and built. Those behind the project apparently presumed that the citizens of Ashland were not much interested in the running of their government. Another view is that the sizing of the chambers was a conscious act to limit public access. I think that I know the truth of this matter.

Regardless of your view, things are too small there. Every time a controversial measure is discussed, the public overflows out into the lobby and out of the building. Oh, for the days when the public got so discouraged that they went home and reorganized the pantry.

Efforts to include the public interactively through the Internet with the Council are greeted by the City with all the enthusiasm usually reserved for lean budgets and public accountability. It's just so much more easy to encourage public input, then make it so difficult that knitting and cross-word puzzles become more attractive options.

So, here is the dirty little secret. When topics draw the public, the meeting space overflows and is in violation of Fire and Life Safety Codes. If a private business does this, we flow enforcement officers into the breach, issuing citations and closing down the operation. When the City does it, well, err...Let's gavel this meeting to order and not pay attention to the law.

The Council says that you must attend meetings in person in order to speak. We're paying for AFN, several times over, which has the capacity to allow otherwise, yet City Council meetings are a one-way deal for those not inclined or able to park their backsides in a small, hot room.

What's wrong with Digital Democracy? Why can't Ashland promote it, using the remarkable power of the Ashland Fiber Network?

Swan Song

I first wondered at the swans of Lithia Park in 1972, sitting on a bench at the lower duck pond with my Mother, who, understandably, thought that my decision to move to a spec of nothing from my former position in L.A. as a buyer of Men's Sportswear for 22 department stores was, well, just short of absolute insanity.

Occasionally, I reach back and lash myself for having dropped so much money in the move, but, more often than not, rejoice in my decision to park elsewhere.

For those of you who are droopy-eyed or otherwise predisposed, the icons for our fair city, two idyllic swans, are no more.

Over the years they proved to be cranky and, well, not versed in the gentle sensibilities of pleasing our visitors. They would honk, flap, lurch and lunge, this until they were either rendered by an unleashed dog or one of our City dump trucks in reverse.

They became a pain and were clearly the blame.

Now that our attempts to keep the Upper and Lower Duck Ponds free from fecund scum have so abundantly failed, we frame our City Icons in the past tense. The trumpet of a swan no longer signals the triumph in the pond.

With an annual budget of more than 90 million dollars, we can't figure out a way to allow two swans, mated for life, the dignity to swim, frolic and waddle in an increasingly artificial aquatic stage. Maybe they need more City underwriting.

If swans could vote your goose would be cooked.

The Temple of Learning

I dropped by the library the other day. I haven't been by often since the cozy days of reading a magazine in front of a crackling fire, next to the snoring dog of another patron.

In these days of big on building, short on staff, I waited outside patiently, as hours have been curtailed. Wandering up from the boulevard, I noticed that there were no benches provided, so I stood, in the rain, wondering how such a mixture of low-budget and inconvenience had landed on the footprint of a formerly quaint, yet comfortable, facility.

After the locks were turned I immediately noticed that I was not alone. Many others had been hovering nearby, seeking refuge from the weather and in search of knowledge.

Of those about me, every single one immediately pounced on a chair in front of a computer connected to the Internet. They didn't come to hold the bindings of a book, rather to do what most of us do from home: Access the Internet.

I once thought that the Internet would make library expansion a non-priority. Yet new and remodeled libraries abound, concomitant with a reduction in staffing and reduced hours of operation. I never thought that access to the Internet for those with modest incomes would be such a huge draw for the Temple of Learning.

Ironically, the library's Wi-Fi was down, disallowing my laptop access to a wider calling. My research required that I hike to the Lenn and Dixie Hannon Legacy Library at SOU, as the public facility lacked a crucial microfisch. There I found that I was one of a few within the expansive facility. I walked around and noted that another public patron had also relocated to the Shrine, as SOC had their Wi-Fi working.

It looks like we're big on buggy whips and short on horsepower.

Heavy Lifter

The European Community yesterday announced their brand new Super Jumbo airliner, the gargantuan A380 produced by Airbus, which will seat 555 in First Class and about 2 million as a cattle car.

Meanwhile our Space Shuttle sits idle and we depend on a Russian supply ship, purportedly crafted from plywood and bailing wire, as the only lifeline to the International Space Station, with an astounding crew of two.

We seem to lack the money or vision to make progress in space or on Earth. We have only a single focus and that seems to be to deliver "democracy, peace and prosperity" to Iraq, this in the form of massive death from above. If you were one of the many who believed in WMD's winging their way across the Atlantic aboard drones made from trash cans and rubber bands...well, get over it. There are none, there were none and we're proud, standing tall, ready, willing and eager to place the widespread use of torture on 2-3 grunts while everyone else in higher positions who encouraged this abuse is being promoted, feted or showered with medals.

I don't know which tuxcedo to use for the coronation.

America. We serve burgers and coffee to the World.

Participatory Democracy

We have a 14 million dollar gigabit ethernet fiber network ready to use in new and creative ways.

How about allowing residents to log into City Council meetings in the form of a video conference, there to correct factual errors, comment, get more faces into the process. Everything could be shown on the regular television coverage.

Parents with kids at home, the handicapped, the elderly, students hitting the books...all could have access to the meetings without the outdated requirement that in order to speak, one has to be physically present and seated for hours.

What a concept! Using technology to improve democracy in a town that prides itself about an advance data network.

What do you think?

Abundant Yes Men

Been tortuing the keys for the last couple of hours. Looking forward to a workout at the gym and getting some submisssions out.

I just read that Colin Powell told the President that "We're losing" in Iraq and that Bush's response was to tell Powell to leave.

Swell.

The man in the most important office in the world doesn't want to hear anything but praise. Reminds me of feudal kings who surrounded themselves with sycophants who always smiled and kissed royal hiney. This is delusional.

Goodbye, Joanie

I don't remember exactly when I first met her, but I felt the energy. She used to take my orders at Geppetto's, talk to me on the street, and wish me the best whenever we met. She bubbled, emoted and exuded at the upper reaches of the human broadcast range. I never gave a thought that she might have needed help, as I am, as most of us are, utterly distracted in our own self-centered petty-dramas. It takes a lot to get our attention.

This has got my attention.

She cared for so many of us, for reasons I don't fully understand but deeply appreciate. I say this in the present tense, for if I had opened my mind and heart more, I might have seen the signals of her well-concealed desperation. She was bright beyond reasonable belief, but always took care not to slap a slower person in the face with that fact. She always had time to listen. There's no doubt that she could party. I wish all of us could with the same attitude and zeal. We'd have less time to pound the environment with our unreasonable and unthinking demands. We'd be more human.

She looked at the Big Picture, but attended to all the little details that make people feel special. She was the glue that kept many of us in the Ashland Play aware of each other. She was a walking, talking, laughing, mocking, caring Institution. She was welcome everywhere she went, her presence lifted spirits and carved opportunity out of insipidness. Larger than life no longer lives. Damn.

Her one-woman play was cutting, witty and focused. Her brilliance, combined with a mountain of humor and satire, got the story told while the audience laughed with wide-eyes. That she felt she somehow failed because money was lost only underlines how our society values individuals. If you have a lot of money, it's cool. If you are scraping by, we tend to turn our heads and wait until your fortune resurfaces. If you are down and out, many write you off, as if you've contracted some extremely contagious moral disease.

She was so many things: Actor, comedian, fundraiser, environmental activist, artist and merry prankster were just a few. Whenever we met her only concern was what was happening with me. Within a blink we were both laughing, making light of the toils of the day, making room for a measure of mirth.

It was clear that Ashland doesn't have a building large enough to hold all those who mourn her loss. The service on Sunday was standing room only with many overflowing into the lobby and to the outside. The lesson seemed to be that we need to reach out more readily, hold that hand, get lost in a friendly hug, take time to listen, to care. The other lesson was that our mental health establishment needs more attention, a lot more.

Joanie told me what a thrill it was for her to be a delegate to the National Democratic Convention. Though she didn't mention it, I'm sure that her energy grabbed and held the attention of many of the participants, just as she did with so many of us here in Ashland. When she returned from Boston, she was firing on 12 cylinders, eliciting enthusiasm through her sparking eyes under the blinking protection of her large eyelashes.

So, to the radiant, powerful, funny, supportive, inspirational woman with the Big Hair…we will never forget you and anticipate a warm reunion when we next meet.

Goodbye, for now.